By her side..again

As promised, I tried my best to stay on no matter what happen.  There's no reason why I would continue doing so, not because of deep affection nor because of repaying any kind debts.  Something just tell me that I'll need to be by her side even if she don't need me yet I still wanted to be there for her.  At least for someone being literally close to her, there's something I can do to make her feel better.  

I might not be able to do much (as usual) but it doesn't mean I should abandon her when she is in need of someone to help.  Whether it's a promise I made to my own self or my own self created piece-of-principle.  And in order for me to make her smile more, all I have to do, is continue on putting the 'mask' that hides my reasons behind my acts.  Because nobody care who I am until I've decided to put on the 'mask'  (sounds familiar yet relevant).

I realised that peoples are more likely to be attracted by individuals who have a heart of sea where you can't see how deep does it goes rather than those that can be easily seen and predicted.  I'm both predicted and unpredictable.  My magic works like a mirror where your action will decides my reflection on you.  Some people will thought that I'm predictable and they tried to step over me but end up tripping up high, some people thought that I'm unpredictable and I perform something obvious.

It's all part of the play but for her...  It's a play with full emotion that can't be exhaled.

Life as one

Apparently, recently, Facebookers been sharing the articles about the old couples whereby the old husband build a 6000-steps stairs for his deary wife to easily climb up the mountain.  This romantic event eventually triggered the inspiration of this Hong Kong drama entitled 天梯 (The Last Steep Ascent).

Not meant to relate myself to this story but then when I was very young (around 6-7 years old) back then, I always had this weird dream where I was this old man who live at the base of a mountain alone.  I had my own farm and I build my own house.  Everyday, I'll climb up to the mountain and carve something on it which I've no idea what was it but the dream was so realistic that I had that dream for more than 5 times.  I even mumbled something about "repaying the kind debt in the next life" stuff.  

I know I sounded pretty lunatic and... in a sane way, I'll just say kids' imagination can go pretty wild at times and I think I went a bit too far in imagining but what gives, it seems real.

Sometimes, I would think of that as my past life that I've get tired about living in the society and I prefer to live on alone without being related to any conspiracy spreading out from the communities.  History never really changes that much for humanity, only the method of approaching is different.  So, does it come to you that in this life, you want to do something else to make a change? 

Our capabilities can be very small and unworthy to be compared to any other person who's stronger than us, but as long as we tried to do it our very best, does it matter of our value to others?  At one point, you might be a rubbish for this particular individuals but at another point, you're priceless to the others.  

Perhaps, today, nobody sees who you really are nor appreciate what you really did, don't rush it, you still have time till someone sees you and if worst come to worst, you'll only be missed when you're dead, well, this happens a lot to many people.  At least, you'll still live on in some people memories which is better than dying as a nobody.

And yes, I'm here today, because I'm about to repay someone's kindness.  Probably not now but the coming future will bears the answers I'm seeking for.

Tears.

Have you ever watched a movie and feels touched deep down that you eventually cried it out like a baby.. Well, not as bad as a baby but you realised the tears won't stop flowing down.  

To be frank, I had never watched such movie that could made me had this feeling but there's this particular Anime that made me felt so (yes, an anime, a Japanese cartoon).

It made me think about it, that cartoon wasn't necessary to be something that only kids can watch, there are certain anime that were made to reach people with their own message.  They had their own storylines and as long as it related to the reality, it makes you think about it.  The anime that I was talking about is Clannad: After Story.  

It was an anime full of slice of life which tells the story of a couple that started out their relationship through their youthful highschool life till the moment they faced life as adults.  Each episode of this anime is filled with deep emotional message and I could swear I could feel tears in my eyes almost every episode nearing the end.  Perhaps it was because I'm still living in my youth that I could felt how sad it was to be placing myself in the shoes of the characters in the anime.

At least I get to know that I'm not really that cold-hearted after all after watching this...

For the least, I still agree it will never be easy to achieve a simple life..  Pure happiness is impossible unless you cherish your everyday life.

The Run of Life

Last Saturday, it was a crazy day for me whereby I've done few things at once and I thought I might fail but I still managed...   I've seen and heard peoples talking about getting hangover in a day and get working few hours after.  Guess I had my first time too in getting hangover and run a 10km marathon in the next few hours.  

It was stupid and there's nothing good to be proud of, I just felt how idiotic I am for not taking good care of my body and spamming the booze into my body.. I had that particular need for the booze but I shouldn't have submit it into my body to let them feel the pain.  After the few hours of sleeping, I woke up at the urge to continue my uncomfortable vomiting and thinking of whether I can make it to continue my run.  

And.... I suffered for the choice I made.  Well, that was pretty "great" but it was good enough to assure me to never did the same thing again.  I've endure the pain in my stomach and successful made the 10km run.  Although the whole Nike Run wasn't well-organised where a lot of problem happened, but I guess I still had a good run.

I see the importance of motivation in keeping us running in life.. Equivalently same in this marathon, I was motivated by the other runners to continue my jog even though I had difficulties as my stomach felt very unwell after the hangover but you see, a person fully-motivated is like being hypnotised.  They could ignore everything and adrenaline rush to the goals.  I had those motivation and it was wonderful...

As pervert as it sounds, yes, I was chasing pretty girls as soon as they pass by me and it was really motivating to keep me running.  Moments of giving up just straight away disperse away from my mind but at the same time, I needed songs to be played to keep me continuing as well too.

Achieved the end line at the mark of 1 hour 26 minutes (although me and my runner-buddies knew) we were much earlier than that for if there weren't problems occurred as soon as we started the run.  We were suppose to be 10 minutes earlier but I don't think racing the time is my main priority.  I've completed the whole race and I knew it well, I was pretty sick and I still made it.  It was the achievement only I'm concerned of and only I care.  

At least until the end, I didn't fall apart and shattered at the roadside and giving up the whole event.  I've stronger passion for my goals than what I think I had it in me.. At least I indirectly proved to those cover-judges that they were wrong.

Choice is still there...

Many times when we heard of people saying words like "I'm dying", "Nobody gives me chances", or "this world is unfair" those sort of stuff..  Well, from what I can see here, peoples always have a choice, everything fallen on them are made by themselves in the first place, the core decision of their act made them who they really are today.

In some occasions, these people's decision can be amended by reinforcements of both positive and negative.  Somehow, not always does it works because some peoples are so ignorant towards their lives that they tend to only do what they think is right and blame faults at others whenever problems started to surface.  Escaping from reality never helps and so does, whining, cursing, and complaining about life.  If you wanted to talk about it, you better be dead sure you wanted to do something about it or else, things will not change regardless of how much words you utter to yourselves.

As for me, I've taken action with the worst and best scenario in order to handle these problems, it mustn't need to go accordingly but the most important factors would be that, I didn't run away from my problems.  With my broken wills and dying faiths, I still push myself back up to face them.  Like the recent past, few imbeciles have been giving me numerous problems thanks to their so-called maturity thoughts and because of their sympathetic acts, I was needed to bear their consequences as in dipping the shits and cleaning the scenes.

It was against my will all these times but I've endured it, for the so-called El Mal Ajeno.  Although I've been forcing myself to swallow all these rotten meats, I've never complained even once because it was my choice and I've subjected myself to the responsibilities that I ought to bear.

However, peoples will still think that I've done not enough, and I've been once again being taken for granted.   All I seek of wasn't pleading you to see how much I've sacrifice for the better goods of others, I just hoped that deep down inside the most of you, that you could see, even someone as useless as me can be of some value to somebody else out there.

I have great disappointment every time when I think of it, it kept me depressed overtime because my intention was totally denied by the societies but still, it doesn't matter to me any other way. What's done is done, I had my disappointment, I've cleaned of the shits, I've given up on people like them, and I've started off anew and I'm happy being the way I am.

People don't see me as who I am is because they think they still have it on them that makes them "mature". 

Like how the old folks said it:

"Many people can see you as who you are but only a few could understand who you really are"

The hidden dagger...

Ever think about sometimes how cruel reality really is that people ought to change to become someone they once hated.  There's nothing in this world that would left unchanged..  People that were placed in certain situation will cast an indecisive decision that affect them in a whole.  It's usually left unseen and their stubborn behaviour that they have not "changed" is the core that allows them ultimately became that other person.  Somehow, think about it, it doesn't make any sense if you have a stronger base built in your heart.  

There can be no tide that can drifted your wills if you're strong enough.  As strong as the tide pushes you, you must always remember to hold your beliefs tight.  As tight as you want to hold it, it's wise to adapt and improvise situation instead of plain adapting it and let it take over who you really are.  People around me started changing already, the wheels of fate started to move again and thus, I have to move another 3 more steps.

As much as people wanted changes to happen, I seek for more.  Be it people will be blinded by their impression towards you, you shouldn't be blinded by who you really are.  

The flowing water will soon reveal the rocks beneath it.  

People only want to feel in charge and have the power to change things yet they can be too pathetic at times that they eventually followed everything without caring right or wrong anymore.  Like a King, although he had all the powers to command but he can just be a puppet stringed by their chamberlains.  People can be easy to control if you can be a source of their needs.

People big-mouthed questioned about changes but aren't we all hiding our own daggers because we have lost that of most important, Trust.  And when you've denied to accept these changes of trend, people will start questioning you and you will be their omega.

Don't worry, don't be afraid, stay calm, and do nothing.  Let the nature you take over you, life isn't all about being first, it's about surviving last.  Either you do whatever it takes or you stay passive for the opportunity.

In a glimpse...

Fate can be a real bitch sometimes, they took you off without you ever noticing and as hard as it felt, not many really wanted to let go and face reality.  It's just like last few days that I've witnessed someone being sent to the huge oven and perished from the world with all that's left is their ashes and memories.

How does it felt like to know someone you loved will never be there for you anymore?
How does it felt like the moment you went to bed realising you're the only one left lying on the bed?
How does it felt like when you realise you'll never hear their voice or feel their warmth anymore?

It's unbearable to be gone in this world out of sudden and it's even more unbearable to endure the lost and being alone at the very end.  It's very painful and unfair but life must go on even if you have to cry and suffer alone.  Sometimes, people will just left you for no reason and no notice.

I knew it just right~