Keep it Going, huh?

Days ago, I had a friend who asked me, "What motivates you?" (as in asking me why did I work up) but it reflected on me otherwise, as in I heard of her asking me what motivates me to keep moving on.  Seriously, right now, I don't think there's any thing that really motivates me anymore as seemingly I've let go of what I cared and important to me.  And I thought I'm ready to start anew right after I've removed the ex-feelings but I knew I was wrong, it's always not easy to let off the things you tried so hard to lift up and let go right away.

A sort of aftermath came along when you let it off, although she might not know anything about it; these emotional damages just come overtime on me and became more and more self-inflicted.  My friends ought to tell me now that "You're just thinking too much" but you've no acknowledgment over me in removing thoughts that doesn't belong to my mind.  I tend to push away things that I doesn't want to look at anymore.

However, my precious mind just wouldn't let me off, perhaps my pain should be more severe than this?  Those random relevant thoughts suddenly came up my mind in the and it goes exhausted in the middle of the night.  It hurts so much but I've been through this, I can make it up...

For what?

I don't have a reason to be alive yet I don't have a reason not to stay alive.  I doesn't want to live my life under burdens pressured by people can't letting me off.  You will have to let me go, you know you have to.  Be it if I'm alive nor am I dead.  You can't make promises with me because I can see through things that don't last.  You might think it's a comfy words to make me feel better but attention is not what I wanted from you.  I wanted to see if you have the wills to live up against the words you convey towards me.  People might as well be thinking "Hey this is reality, nobody cares for another out-of-the-blue promises".  What do I seems like someone longing for attention and not you longing for me to expect kindness from you?

You just didn't realize the importance of keeping up with your promises, some people really think through it when you've said it out to us. Especially me, I cared a lot about what people say to me.  Not that I want to become what people expected of me, but if it's within my strength, I want to give out to people.

Don't you think some people deserved to have their faiths rewarded?