Just who am I becoming...

A thought suddenly struck over me that perhaps maybe it was because I was weak that I've decided to let go of things I've attempted to lift.  Or was it because I've already know that there's no point, the unforeseen future is already very obvious that I should have let go of it?  

I need more strength, I need to grow stronger than who I'm, I need to bear more burdens, only burdens will allow me to forever stay in constant growth.  Because peace will eventually weakens a person, I'll never find peace in my life for I'll keep pushing this body till it break and shatters.  Which really made me sounded like a masochist but I'm not entirely enjoying the pain but I just need more of pain, building up my scars so that pain will eventually become numb.

Under blind realisation, I'm growing into past of who I really was.  Having emotion was neither right nor wrong, it's what I've decided and therefore, I'll have no regret over it.  Regret are too late and not worth to be cried over.  Guess I'm really such person, thinking over the worst but facing it with positivity.  I doesn't measure fair but I balance discord and harmony within me..

I can be very cruel and very kind.. It's your call for who I ought to be to you.

A New Memory In a New Day

Dear 2013, marks the beginning of my newly life living out of something I hold on so close for years.. I've attempted to let go but still holding back it.. How would I know?

Well, see, I was sick during Chinese New Year and yes, for the first time in my life (or as far as I could recall), this is the first time I get sick during the Angpow-retrieving day.  I had food-poisoned because I ate the wrong thing, fortunately, it was me the only one who ate up all the things that was "poisoned" and luckily it was not other people.  I can take pain, I can endure it and I've did it.  

I was so sick that at a sign of relief, I'm just having nausea instead of diarrhoea, both are not comfortable but it's better to get your mouthed covered in puke that having your pants getting dipped in shit or whatever way you could imagine during a bad diarrhoea day.  Somehow, the nausea itself was so painful that my stomach ensures everything I ate came up before all the foods are fully digested... Even the gooey-juices came along and hell, it was so bitter and painful whenever I have to ooze the juices out.

When you're in pain, time suddenly becomes slow, more thoughts suddenly came into your mind.  At times of pain, most of the people would think of "I'm f*cking regretting for whatever is happening to me" but not me I guess, I don't regret over things that happened and I would just kept reminding myself not to do the same thing to myself... Well at least not eating the same thing at the same place. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Until my whole body was weakened on the next day and my migraine struck back into me.  I've lost my appetite to eat and my whole body was cold and yet people told me my body was warm and hot.  Obviously, it's the sign of fever, wondering whether it's because I've not been sick for almost a year, I forgot how it was but the closest thing that came into my mind that related to food poisoning?  My Uncle's Death.

He died of food poisoning and of course his pain was much more severed than mine, otherwise, I wouldn't be typing now.  And brain just decided to recall my memories as if I was going to die due to all the symptoms I had by that moment was pretty much similar to days back before uncle went into coma..forever.  

And guess what, I recalled back all the days I was in love with her...  Just how sick am I going to be?

Just another way to fall

We all have a way to fall, yes, we do.

No matter how strong you've made yourself to be, there'll be a day where you'll be thrashed so hard that you wouldn't even recognise yourself.  Your personality will feel changes and the moment when you're lost, there'll be people who tell you where you should go but they just wouldn't know where will that place be.

And once you've started your journey from the burning ashes, you better be telling yourself that you're ready to take it all into you.  The higher you climb, the stronger it is the force that will pull you down, there's no horizontal stairs but only diagonal stairs waiting for you.  People that lives with pride always run up the stairs and fell off the hardest, while those who doesn't have pride climbed too slow and end up dying as nothing.  The importance is not to be the first, but to maintain constant up at the height.

There'll be people who tell you what they know about life but they just won't tell you how to live up to it.  Because we all had it differently and therefore, there's no proper way of saying you're living it right or living it wrong, we are the ones who define that particular meaning of what we have done.

We better wait for the moment that one day we will shine, and people will tell you what is yours but eventually taken away what is mine.  Because there'll be someone who give and someone who take, it's the cycle created to go on repetitively.  However, the wheels of life can be broken at times, and that's the moment where you found the real meaning.. Just keep looking out there, stay afloat as long as you can while there's a hole in your boat.