In the middle of the night...

I suddenly think about my ex-relationship, I can never forget it that we do have sweet beginnings in this love or me being the water-balloon. Regardless of whatever condition we've started this relationship, I've felt that I've really pour my heart into it even though it was just a really really short period of love but yet, the feelings that ran into me can be so deep.  Yes, indeed people out there will always laugh at me stating that it was just puppy love and nothing much about it.

That's what you think, but you ever consider what I think, well, it doesn't matter to you, because, sometimes, you need to be me to feel me. Even if you've been through worst situation, but, that short period, I've never been more in love than any time I've ever been.  Somehow, it's even sickening when you knew it from the very first point that, "we weren't meant to be".  We were from a totally different world and all I cared of, is that she need me that time, she need someone, it could have been anyone but I wanted to be there for her.

I knew it I wouldn't be able to control the gravity when everything break loose, I knew I will have to let go but yet, I always give myself hope, hoping that I could be better person for her.  And it comes to this, the day where I have to let her go.  I'm weak...

Despite those sweet moments we once have, it doesn't last.  I've chose to let go because I knew it, she can have better life without me inside the frame... People will have better life without me.  Though, as long as I have the opportunity to step into their life, I'll make sure I give my best to them.  At least I want to let them know indirectly, someone is willing to do something for them no matter who they are or what value they had. Everyone deserves chances, maybe not me but I'll give it.

At least when I look at most of them now, they are having a happy life right now.  They have forgotten who I am but I'll never ever forget those memories, it was as precious to me as it had once completed me, whether while falling in love or while I'm in love.  And now, I guess I'll just move on to a new chapter.

You can't bring back those past by reminiscing them, but those were the memories that value the most and made you who you are today.  The ending might not be a happy one but the progress of that very love is indeed, priceless.  I miss those memories of us getting along but I'll never find someone like you to replace those memories,  because memories like that are irreplaceable.  

I am Someone-Else

Last few days, my car, Eli(zabeth) broke down again and it really hurts me to the depth and I curse myself for having such a dreadful luck.  It was my fourth streak in this year to bring Eli to the mechanics and each time I have different problems and this fourth streak was suppose to be the worst of all time.

What's hurting me, was because it built up my tension level and I sort of threw it over to my father which I doesn't want it but I really lose it all... I had enough of trusting the wrong person, and this time, I trusted the wrong mechanics.  I have a serious problem with people who mess up my trust towards them, of course I won't rush to them and punch their face hard even though I've killed them thousands of times in my mind.  I don't feel like negotiating with people and had them stepping over me (doing sales stuff and shit for example), I don't like to beg for people to help me especially when they would use this favor to put their leg over my head.

I can be calm and persevering most of the times but I have serious problem in controlling my temper over people who betrayed me.  Threatening me will eventually makes thing worst for them.  But I hate it when I lose my temper over my father instead of the person who's suppose to be responsible for Eli's health.  I was to be blamed for this anger mismanagement.  I really hate it when I have to release and burst out, because I became Not-Me.

After the burst out, I simply just chain back the emotion and shut down myself because I still have one more paper to face (imagine the stress level when I need to worry three important things at once), I felt sorry for my dad, I felt angry about my stupidity in trusting the wrong people, and I kind of worry my mood will affect my performance for the exam.

Therefore, shutting down every emotion is my best bet to allow myself fully focus for the exam.

Sigh, although I always thought that it was unfair to throw tantrum over other people who is not involved in your misery, I did it to my family... it's really fuck up..  I hope that this sort of horse-shit will never happen again... Seriously, it's horrible.

Feel so close..

Few weeks ago, I was resting at my uncle's home at Malacca and in a sudden blink, my heart had this very painful experience that my eyesight go white and I could felt like I had collapsed there for a moment until I used my hand to beat my chest.

I felt alive again as soon as I did it..  Though I'm not sure what happened but during that very seconds, I had flashbacks of my life and most of them were regrets that I couldn't accomplish.  Well, it's not like I'm dying or shits, but that sudden shocked made me start to think about it.  I'm not afraid at all... I don't mind about this dog life of mine.  Because I'll live my life to the fullest and I will just die like a dog.  Somehow, I really appreciate my life a lot that I always live my life as if I'm 'going' tomorrow.  That's why, I've never stop thinking about things in life, probably why people kept saying that I think too much.  

I doesn't want to close my eyes full of regrets about things whereby I should have done or shouldn't have done.  Once a decision is made, be very sure that I will not regret regardless about the outcome and this is how I decide to live up myself to the fullest.  At different point of view, people will usually see me as a pessimist because you know, positive people always think of living for another day but I think I'm an optimist.   'Cause I never bring my problems into my sleep, and that is what I think is positive enough.  How many of you could have a good night sleep without thinking about the solution of the problem?

I might not wake up tomorrow, but I'll be damn sure I've done everything to stay alive.  I may be emotionally unstable but I have strong will to live.  What sort of strong will? I don't know and I had no idea but I just know, my future will be surprising.  I'll be thrilled and keep waiting for that day to come.  You need to be smart in studying and living in a community, but you need some stupidity beliefs to prevent yourself from being too realistic.  You need dreams to live on. 

Well, hell yeah I had a dream!  

To live up a normal life as in get a career, get married, get children, and experience both sadness and happiness at different times.

It's plain simple but sometimes, it's these simple stuff that is the hardest to be reached.

Better be ready..

How far will you go to face the problems in your life?
If the seeds is going to grow into a cancer, how far will you go to remove it from you?
If removing it will cause changes in your life, how desperate will you be to cleanse it?

I had this weird growth in my throat.. It gave me uncomfortable feeling and it makes my throat sores.. There's no exact cure for this growth (I've been to the clinic).  And so, in order to get rid of this disturbance, I have to stick my finger inside the throat and dig this thing out.  

Of course, everyone know how it feels like to poke your on finger into your throat.. Imagine it that you'll have to dig out that thing out while enduring the urge to throw up.  It might not be the worst pain, it's just annoying having the needs to dig up your throat almost every week in a month.  The thing just keeps coming back and I'll just have to keep removing it.

Yes, this is how far I would go to clear off my obstacles.  I won't stop until I make sure it is not there anymore.  I will be in pain and suffer during the process, but I can take it, I can take punches. 

I hate to run away from my problems, I choose to face them because there are those problems that you shouldn't leave behind and let it have the opportunity to get over your head.  Let there be scars when you solve the problems but never let it rupture you any deeper than what it have already does.  Let it be that you need to be another person, let it be you'll have to lie to yourself, and let it be if there will be pain. 

Extinguish it and you're giving yourself a chance for salvation or you will keep running till you reach the edge.

How does it feels like?

Ever being embraced by someone who cared you a lot but you have never realized that you've forgotten the warm moment that were given to you? 

Can you recall any of those memories? It have existed way long before you started to analyze the rhythms around you, before you longed for more than what were given to you.  The moment you had enough and wanted to look in for something else.  Then, you decided to look further away from your parents; though with your heart intact, the bond have loosen up.

Ever wonder how some little babies can laugh out loud with the simplest things that occurred to them.  Some people says it's because they don't need to think about problems but I say it's an admirable bliss.  There are times in my dream, I saw myself getting touched while having my own children held over my hand and I turned to my parents "I've got you a grandchild!" and my child will be the most beautiful sight that I've ever seen.

And when the dreams end, I woke up and had a flashed imagination over my parents reaction when they first saw me opened my eyes to greet the world... How happy have I made them?  How much sacrifices and pain have they bear to carry me to live on?  How long do they need to keep telling me that everything is okay and leaving the scar inside?  

When I first heard about the sadness and grief my parents had when one of my siblings couldn't make it out to the world.  I could only imagine the pain that they had, and it shatters me but at some point, it makes me feels glad and happy to be able to breath on till this day. 

This is where I hold the pledge for my supposed-to-be sibling, that I'll live on not just for my own sake but also live as him/her.  I'll live the live that he/she couldn't have. 

To cherish the love that existed within people around me.

and, have you tell them that you loved them today?