I am Someone-Else

Last few days, my car, Eli(zabeth) broke down again and it really hurts me to the depth and I curse myself for having such a dreadful luck.  It was my fourth streak in this year to bring Eli to the mechanics and each time I have different problems and this fourth streak was suppose to be the worst of all time.

What's hurting me, was because it built up my tension level and I sort of threw it over to my father which I doesn't want it but I really lose it all... I had enough of trusting the wrong person, and this time, I trusted the wrong mechanics.  I have a serious problem with people who mess up my trust towards them, of course I won't rush to them and punch their face hard even though I've killed them thousands of times in my mind.  I don't feel like negotiating with people and had them stepping over me (doing sales stuff and shit for example), I don't like to beg for people to help me especially when they would use this favor to put their leg over my head.

I can be calm and persevering most of the times but I have serious problem in controlling my temper over people who betrayed me.  Threatening me will eventually makes thing worst for them.  But I hate it when I lose my temper over my father instead of the person who's suppose to be responsible for Eli's health.  I was to be blamed for this anger mismanagement.  I really hate it when I have to release and burst out, because I became Not-Me.

After the burst out, I simply just chain back the emotion and shut down myself because I still have one more paper to face (imagine the stress level when I need to worry three important things at once), I felt sorry for my dad, I felt angry about my stupidity in trusting the wrong people, and I kind of worry my mood will affect my performance for the exam.

Therefore, shutting down every emotion is my best bet to allow myself fully focus for the exam.

Sigh, although I always thought that it was unfair to throw tantrum over other people who is not involved in your misery, I did it to my family... it's really fuck up..  I hope that this sort of horse-shit will never happen again... Seriously, it's horrible.