A gift or a curse..

We've all see in movies of how people have extraordinary skill or psychic to read through people's mind and I'm sure there's a moment where people would hope they can have this sort of ability to see through a person's heart... The fact, it doesn't require anything supernatural or brain superiority growth, sometimes, you just need to be more observant.

Many years back, I've learnt pretty much some basic skills of being observant to tell if a person is lying and their motives of lying.. Until present day, it's obvious, still nobody takes me seriously but I'm okay because it's kind of good that you could grow from within and no one sees nor understands you.

I've gotten much more sharp to look through a person's heart and even predicting their reaction.  People still call it as thinking too much and yet it's all pure silence whenever I'm correct, that's how sucks reality is, nobody care if you're right as long they're still looking down on you.  I understand how that feels and that is why I always kept my circles small around me, it made me easier to scout my visions and unleash from a blind spot.

Somehow, as awesome as it sounds, when you look into the eyes of the person you care of and they are opening their lies towards you... Just how painful could it have been when you know they are lying and yet because you just love them too much that you doesn't want to break it out into them and all you could do is to believe in their "truth".

I've been there before and I'm going to go through it again...  My resolution will still became the same, I'll become the asshole who ruined everything and every memory.  I can't take it easily because I doesn't want to close my eyes and open it again just to think about the past, I'm over it. I need to walk away from repetition of history and I can't always stand around.

Until now, I'm still not sure if knowing what a person is thinking was really that great... Like I said before, the moment when you felt helpless and all you could do is to watch sufferings, you'll know how despair tasted like...  Stronger people see me as someone who's optimistic, normal people see me as someone who's been into a lot of shitholes because of bad luck, and the weaker ones will always think I'm as pessimistic and pathetic like themselves..

I'm not in your shoes nor you were in mine, I respected the ground you stood on but I won't give an eye on your overrated ego.

My toughest goodbye at present time..

Always been expecting for this day to come where I'll finally leave her but they were right for saying the real pain is always 1,000 times much more pain than expectation.  I really doesn't want to say this goodbye but things that were never meant to be has to be apart...  This 3 years of dreams was very meaningful and meant a lot to me but waking up from it hurts like being stabbed deep into the heart.

I had to close this chapter, close all this dream that were never meant to be... Figuratively killing my heart and forcing it to forget those memories that I've forged for her.

Yesterday was the happiest day I ever had with her but each second that passed made me swallow my reality close to the heart.  I may not see her again, this goodbye could be forever and my heart just stopped for a little and yet I tried my best to enjoy the day with her.  Knowingly, my eyes will be like the raining sky when I had to see her leave... I hold it while biting my lips as hard as possible and showing her the smile to tell her I'll be fine.  I still managed to hug her for the last time because if I could, I really doesn't want to let go this person out of my life but there's just so much I wanted to do but so little I could do.

I'm break and shattered but this has all been expected, I'll just feel the pain while you'll continue your laughter.

Thank you for being part of my journey all this long but now, you'll have to detach me whilst me burying our memories deep down into my heart.. I hope the man whose going to walk to the aisle is gonna be everything you ever wanted..  I was not even close to being that man from the very start but all that I ever wanted to do is to keep you up high into the sky...  You deserve so much more than I could ever give.

I just hope that the person will love you more than I do..

Goodbye...

Waking up again

After years of fighting and struggling, I've finally managed to say goodbye to my blood and sweat-bathed courses.  I'm one step closer to get my Degree and I thought I can't wait to get over with all this sleepless night.  Yes, I know it's not the hardest of all but still, the process of evaluating the whole courses wasn't as easy as anyone could have expected especially those who have not worn my shoes.  People who worked early would told me how they secretly cried during sleep because of the piling stresses or some people from other people from other college/university would tear their brain out just to feel the breeze of freedom.

I say, "hey man, we all been through that shit and you're not doing this alone".  Levels of difficulty may seem different but the goals are the same, to live a better life but the definition for "a better life" is thoroughly distinct for each and every individual.  I do woke up at night thinking what the fuck is going to happen to my life if all those bad moments happen to me, it never escaped my mind... not even once.  I've always standing on one edge and at times I could enjoy the edge but not all the time, the thrill of knowing you'll fall down is fun but it sure is not for forever.  Winning over risk is great but losing can drain you down damn straight.

But the twist here... it's not just about me and the paper... I've found new things in my life, I've finally found my friends and peoples to put my humanity faith on.  Those who will found me when I fell off..  After years of lone living, I think I've found my packs but time is swift.  Sun will set, Happiness wouldn't last.  Moments of happiness became memories and this feeling might made us keep digging the past.  Fear not my fellow friends, for as long I breathed on, the days we used to laugh shall never fade.  I can't tell what's going to happen tomorrow but I pretty well sure that the moments we have been through will not be distorted.

Yes, people will change, direction will be different, point of view will be different, and thinking will be more adult-like. Do remember this, I'm at my eternal youth, I've pretty much changed to my final form.  Come back for me and we shall awaken those memories.  I'll always be the crazy fella that makes you think "How could such person exist?" because I can do so!

Just who am I becoming...

A thought suddenly struck over me that perhaps maybe it was because I was weak that I've decided to let go of things I've attempted to lift.  Or was it because I've already know that there's no point, the unforeseen future is already very obvious that I should have let go of it?  

I need more strength, I need to grow stronger than who I'm, I need to bear more burdens, only burdens will allow me to forever stay in constant growth.  Because peace will eventually weakens a person, I'll never find peace in my life for I'll keep pushing this body till it break and shatters.  Which really made me sounded like a masochist but I'm not entirely enjoying the pain but I just need more of pain, building up my scars so that pain will eventually become numb.

Under blind realisation, I'm growing into past of who I really was.  Having emotion was neither right nor wrong, it's what I've decided and therefore, I'll have no regret over it.  Regret are too late and not worth to be cried over.  Guess I'm really such person, thinking over the worst but facing it with positivity.  I doesn't measure fair but I balance discord and harmony within me..

I can be very cruel and very kind.. It's your call for who I ought to be to you.

A New Memory In a New Day

Dear 2013, marks the beginning of my newly life living out of something I hold on so close for years.. I've attempted to let go but still holding back it.. How would I know?

Well, see, I was sick during Chinese New Year and yes, for the first time in my life (or as far as I could recall), this is the first time I get sick during the Angpow-retrieving day.  I had food-poisoned because I ate the wrong thing, fortunately, it was me the only one who ate up all the things that was "poisoned" and luckily it was not other people.  I can take pain, I can endure it and I've did it.  

I was so sick that at a sign of relief, I'm just having nausea instead of diarrhoea, both are not comfortable but it's better to get your mouthed covered in puke that having your pants getting dipped in shit or whatever way you could imagine during a bad diarrhoea day.  Somehow, the nausea itself was so painful that my stomach ensures everything I ate came up before all the foods are fully digested... Even the gooey-juices came along and hell, it was so bitter and painful whenever I have to ooze the juices out.

When you're in pain, time suddenly becomes slow, more thoughts suddenly came into your mind.  At times of pain, most of the people would think of "I'm f*cking regretting for whatever is happening to me" but not me I guess, I don't regret over things that happened and I would just kept reminding myself not to do the same thing to myself... Well at least not eating the same thing at the same place. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Until my whole body was weakened on the next day and my migraine struck back into me.  I've lost my appetite to eat and my whole body was cold and yet people told me my body was warm and hot.  Obviously, it's the sign of fever, wondering whether it's because I've not been sick for almost a year, I forgot how it was but the closest thing that came into my mind that related to food poisoning?  My Uncle's Death.

He died of food poisoning and of course his pain was much more severed than mine, otherwise, I wouldn't be typing now.  And brain just decided to recall my memories as if I was going to die due to all the symptoms I had by that moment was pretty much similar to days back before uncle went into coma..forever.  

And guess what, I recalled back all the days I was in love with her...  Just how sick am I going to be?

Just another way to fall

We all have a way to fall, yes, we do.

No matter how strong you've made yourself to be, there'll be a day where you'll be thrashed so hard that you wouldn't even recognise yourself.  Your personality will feel changes and the moment when you're lost, there'll be people who tell you where you should go but they just wouldn't know where will that place be.

And once you've started your journey from the burning ashes, you better be telling yourself that you're ready to take it all into you.  The higher you climb, the stronger it is the force that will pull you down, there's no horizontal stairs but only diagonal stairs waiting for you.  People that lives with pride always run up the stairs and fell off the hardest, while those who doesn't have pride climbed too slow and end up dying as nothing.  The importance is not to be the first, but to maintain constant up at the height.

There'll be people who tell you what they know about life but they just won't tell you how to live up to it.  Because we all had it differently and therefore, there's no proper way of saying you're living it right or living it wrong, we are the ones who define that particular meaning of what we have done.

We better wait for the moment that one day we will shine, and people will tell you what is yours but eventually taken away what is mine.  Because there'll be someone who give and someone who take, it's the cycle created to go on repetitively.  However, the wheels of life can be broken at times, and that's the moment where you found the real meaning.. Just keep looking out there, stay afloat as long as you can while there's a hole in your boat.

Lost and Found

Talking about losing something, I'm very certain we all have lost something in our life and found something else to regain what had been lost..  Somehow, is everything that we had lost can be found back and remain the usual way it used to be?

Through this recent time, I've lost a lot of things I had around me.  It just *poof-ed* and disappeared.. just like that... yeah, just as simple as that.  Though sometimes, the term of "lost" doesn't mean it has gone forever, it's still there, you can still see it, and you can still feel it.. but it's all different, things has changed.  Even if you could bring it back to you, even if you could pretend as if nothing ever happened, does the same feel remain pure?

"Let bygones be bygones", that's what I heard of what people usually said.  Was it really that easy to let go of something that doesn't belong to you?  You know you can't bring it back with you.  You know "it" deserves something better and yet you want to be by "it"'s side to protect it.  It's stupid, pointless, and suicide.  Yet you've insisted to hold up to "it"... until "it" disappears right in front of you and everything else around you suddenly became meaningless and dull.

At least this short few years, my life became colourful and I had a reason to stay strong to stand against my heavy odds...  However, some things can't remain forever isn't it.. Even if you've forged your heart to remain for "it", "it" will still leave you for no apparent reason.

Life is not a movie, things just happened for no reason, no one can explain and nobody can tell you why did it happened.  They will just be able to tell you to "Move on".  Years of journey together, does memories really disappeared that easily?  It's always easier to let go of me... So is the past...

Whether it was me who have decided to remove it or it was "it" that decided to let go...  I'm already at the helpless edge and there's nothing I could do anymore.  I've tried on holding it back but I realised, it wasn't me who's not trying... but "it" fell off the edge...

Blame it on fate or my karma, I don't know whether all this have been decided or else my beforelife might have been a bitch and now karma strikes this present.  Just how long do I have to keep losing things that I cared for in this life...? Just how much shall I lose until I can finally win back?

Grandfather's story

After all these years, I guess this was the very first time in my life that my grandfather ever told me so much about his story..  During the usual manner where me and my family will go to visit them, grandpa suddenly told my lil bro to enter the room where I was relaxing and he started to talk about stuff... Stuff that we don't usually hear from him.

Maybe it's the time that he thought we need to grow up that he need to share his experiences with us but I'm sure, my lil bro doesn't understand anything he was trying to tell as the stories that he told us was pretty much disintegrated.  

To cut things short, he basically tell us of how we should behave in the social life and the basic idea of gaining too much of ego is actually meaningless.  He went through a lot to come to this level of stability and serenity (well, excluding arguments with grandma of course).  Being one of those folks who have to endure poverty in order to survive, my grandpa was uneducated and he couldn't read but through that firm confidence, he was able to convince people despite of being challenged by those envious rank and file.

And then, it came in to my mind.. "Does it runs in the family?".  The way how he taught me to behave in life was exactly how I am all this long.  How things were observed, how things were to be done, how everything be controlled, and how decision were to be made.  Of course, I might not supersede what my grandpa did as he had a lifetime of experience whereas me, I just had all this thoughts and ploys running in my mind.. 

Probably it was those "Think too much" symptoms that everyone used to say it on me... but I never bother to change this stance of mine, because I know, someday, these so-called "think too much" will help me make decision.  I'm not sure how great I would be or how bad would I became, lets just hope that I can do it even better.

Sometimes, all you need in life is just some confidence.  It can change your life, Forever.

It's a cold day for a war..

If you've come into a situation, where you have to make a decision, never be afraid and don't ever be regret of doing what you've done.  Always learn to control the situation, find the corner of your game, and look right into yourself as well as who or what you're going to face.  We're always in control of the situation but we ought to let go of it because we were afraid, our heart was afraid to get hurt and so we ran off as soon as we felt threat.

Why, some people can be fearless?  They are not fearless, they are just being ready all the time.  The kind of people that others perceived as thinking too much.. People like me, I might have not seen any big scenario but then I've always tried my best to stick my back at the corner and face the incomings.  It's not to prove anything to anyone, no you're wrong.  At times when shits happen, it will most probably be the moment where nobody will be looking.

So, little sheep, are you going to run, or you're going to eat back the wolf?  

Stay back at the safe position will probably be the best idea, but then, maintaining the standby posture most of the time will always ensure one's ability to fight back.  At the field, not many had the chance to think long, if you've decided to think too long, your thoughts ought to outrun your decisions, you'll be too late in other words.  

When things happen, always learn to look from the different angle and look out for the leakage area.  The term "nothing is perfect" will always be the best motivation for you to penetrate a person's move and bind their move.  If you can't find the "3-moves-ahead", try finding your own weakness for that's where people will thrust on and start covering from there.

However, you can't always claimed victory and there was never an absolute winning streaks.  But to manage to breach a person's mind is what it takes, gaining your objectives and earning your victory can be both different things at times.  Forcing the others to change their way, can mean a lot for the future planning.

Are you ready to breach mine?