Feel so close..

Few weeks ago, I was resting at my uncle's home at Malacca and in a sudden blink, my heart had this very painful experience that my eyesight go white and I could felt like I had collapsed there for a moment until I used my hand to beat my chest.

I felt alive again as soon as I did it..  Though I'm not sure what happened but during that very seconds, I had flashbacks of my life and most of them were regrets that I couldn't accomplish.  Well, it's not like I'm dying or shits, but that sudden shocked made me start to think about it.  I'm not afraid at all... I don't mind about this dog life of mine.  Because I'll live my life to the fullest and I will just die like a dog.  Somehow, I really appreciate my life a lot that I always live my life as if I'm 'going' tomorrow.  That's why, I've never stop thinking about things in life, probably why people kept saying that I think too much.  

I doesn't want to close my eyes full of regrets about things whereby I should have done or shouldn't have done.  Once a decision is made, be very sure that I will not regret regardless about the outcome and this is how I decide to live up myself to the fullest.  At different point of view, people will usually see me as a pessimist because you know, positive people always think of living for another day but I think I'm an optimist.   'Cause I never bring my problems into my sleep, and that is what I think is positive enough.  How many of you could have a good night sleep without thinking about the solution of the problem?

I might not wake up tomorrow, but I'll be damn sure I've done everything to stay alive.  I may be emotionally unstable but I have strong will to live.  What sort of strong will? I don't know and I had no idea but I just know, my future will be surprising.  I'll be thrilled and keep waiting for that day to come.  You need to be smart in studying and living in a community, but you need some stupidity beliefs to prevent yourself from being too realistic.  You need dreams to live on. 

Well, hell yeah I had a dream!  

To live up a normal life as in get a career, get married, get children, and experience both sadness and happiness at different times.

It's plain simple but sometimes, it's these simple stuff that is the hardest to be reached.

Better be ready..

How far will you go to face the problems in your life?
If the seeds is going to grow into a cancer, how far will you go to remove it from you?
If removing it will cause changes in your life, how desperate will you be to cleanse it?

I had this weird growth in my throat.. It gave me uncomfortable feeling and it makes my throat sores.. There's no exact cure for this growth (I've been to the clinic).  And so, in order to get rid of this disturbance, I have to stick my finger inside the throat and dig this thing out.  

Of course, everyone know how it feels like to poke your on finger into your throat.. Imagine it that you'll have to dig out that thing out while enduring the urge to throw up.  It might not be the worst pain, it's just annoying having the needs to dig up your throat almost every week in a month.  The thing just keeps coming back and I'll just have to keep removing it.

Yes, this is how far I would go to clear off my obstacles.  I won't stop until I make sure it is not there anymore.  I will be in pain and suffer during the process, but I can take it, I can take punches. 

I hate to run away from my problems, I choose to face them because there are those problems that you shouldn't leave behind and let it have the opportunity to get over your head.  Let there be scars when you solve the problems but never let it rupture you any deeper than what it have already does.  Let it be that you need to be another person, let it be you'll have to lie to yourself, and let it be if there will be pain. 

Extinguish it and you're giving yourself a chance for salvation or you will keep running till you reach the edge.

How does it feels like?

Ever being embraced by someone who cared you a lot but you have never realized that you've forgotten the warm moment that were given to you? 

Can you recall any of those memories? It have existed way long before you started to analyze the rhythms around you, before you longed for more than what were given to you.  The moment you had enough and wanted to look in for something else.  Then, you decided to look further away from your parents; though with your heart intact, the bond have loosen up.

Ever wonder how some little babies can laugh out loud with the simplest things that occurred to them.  Some people says it's because they don't need to think about problems but I say it's an admirable bliss.  There are times in my dream, I saw myself getting touched while having my own children held over my hand and I turned to my parents "I've got you a grandchild!" and my child will be the most beautiful sight that I've ever seen.

And when the dreams end, I woke up and had a flashed imagination over my parents reaction when they first saw me opened my eyes to greet the world... How happy have I made them?  How much sacrifices and pain have they bear to carry me to live on?  How long do they need to keep telling me that everything is okay and leaving the scar inside?  

When I first heard about the sadness and grief my parents had when one of my siblings couldn't make it out to the world.  I could only imagine the pain that they had, and it shatters me but at some point, it makes me feels glad and happy to be able to breath on till this day. 

This is where I hold the pledge for my supposed-to-be sibling, that I'll live on not just for my own sake but also live as him/her.  I'll live the live that he/she couldn't have. 

To cherish the love that existed within people around me.

and, have you tell them that you loved them today?

Keep it Going, huh?

Days ago, I had a friend who asked me, "What motivates you?" (as in asking me why did I work up) but it reflected on me otherwise, as in I heard of her asking me what motivates me to keep moving on.  Seriously, right now, I don't think there's any thing that really motivates me anymore as seemingly I've let go of what I cared and important to me.  And I thought I'm ready to start anew right after I've removed the ex-feelings but I knew I was wrong, it's always not easy to let off the things you tried so hard to lift up and let go right away.

A sort of aftermath came along when you let it off, although she might not know anything about it; these emotional damages just come overtime on me and became more and more self-inflicted.  My friends ought to tell me now that "You're just thinking too much" but you've no acknowledgment over me in removing thoughts that doesn't belong to my mind.  I tend to push away things that I doesn't want to look at anymore.

However, my precious mind just wouldn't let me off, perhaps my pain should be more severe than this?  Those random relevant thoughts suddenly came up my mind in the and it goes exhausted in the middle of the night.  It hurts so much but I've been through this, I can make it up...

For what?

I don't have a reason to be alive yet I don't have a reason not to stay alive.  I doesn't want to live my life under burdens pressured by people can't letting me off.  You will have to let me go, you know you have to.  Be it if I'm alive nor am I dead.  You can't make promises with me because I can see through things that don't last.  You might think it's a comfy words to make me feel better but attention is not what I wanted from you.  I wanted to see if you have the wills to live up against the words you convey towards me.  People might as well be thinking "Hey this is reality, nobody cares for another out-of-the-blue promises".  What do I seems like someone longing for attention and not you longing for me to expect kindness from you?

You just didn't realize the importance of keeping up with your promises, some people really think through it when you've said it out to us. Especially me, I cared a lot about what people say to me.  Not that I want to become what people expected of me, but if it's within my strength, I want to give out to people.

Don't you think some people deserved to have their faiths rewarded?

A Trap with Love..

I always wondered what will I be doing when I realize I'm in love..

Will I fight for her? As in I was always the one who told my friends to fight for what they believe in, fight for the one they loved; 

"If you're chasing a single women, you'll have many competitions with those who's going after her; but if she's coupled with another person, you'll have only ONE competitor."

Isn't it awkward when you're the one giving advice and ending up falling for the same symptoms of love?  Over 5 person I've fallen for and 4 of them were eventually belonged to someone else. Guess I must have one hell of a taste over love.  Even though I'm not capable of doing anything nor am I having the intention to let her feel my feelings, she's way better off without me.. Though the most important part would also be that she enjoyed falling in love with the man of her life, it doesn't matter who would it be.  And I'll just do my usual routine, being there for her whenever she'll need me.  Guess the level of stupidity for love is divided by zero for this one but what gives...  I need that love feeling to keep me alive, because it was this feeling of love that makes me feel alive.

-Falling for it again.

P.S - Things just kept repeating in a cycle for me, but I believe this cycle will come to an end.. It MUST!

If it doesn't kills you, it can help you..

A person tends to know that they are lucky is by throughout the moment they were struck by numerous misfortune and still breath at the end of the day.

The tides has changed but the feelings of the shattered and wounded heart remained.  I doesn't want to turn back the time to know what I could change, I want to forward the time to know what will happen next and I can't wait for it to happen, regardless of whether it's suppose to be good or bad.  Keeping it too long for me in my heart would not be good to my heart, not even a bit.

Consider it the sort of optimism that I've always had in me, I don't regret with the choices I made in my life, and I don't even want to think about how much I should have not done something that turns out bad.  It's mistake that lets me learn from my wrong and it also allows me to improvise.  If I were to live a life without fall, I would be the happiest idiot rather than the saddest smarty.

"Why do we fall down; so that we can learn how to climb back up"

 I may be a positive person, but I rather attract more negative things to me (if you take it as science, you'll know that electrons are attracted to proton)  and so, I've started to consider myself as a strong proton and the misfortunes that happened on me are those electrons held up by a special nuclear force.  Unfortunate  events do happen to me quite often and although it might not be a fatal one but it's enough to mentally damage my heart.

I have the strength to pull it up against me but it is only about a matters of time before I entirely tripped and never woke up from the misery.  Take it on me that I've been thinking too much, but if I could be in a better place, I'll not be hurting my mind by doing this to myself.  I really wish that I could make things turn out better. 

"I don't believe in forever, especially those that will threaten the way I stand upon my life"

Where is the promised happiness?

"Tired me is as usual, aimlessly strolling around the lake, under a tree.  Crying, weak, tears flow like river, nobody is around."

- a Dream.

 

"Do you still remember the promised that you made on me, that you'll be there for me when no others will be?  When I'll be alone, you'll accompany me, when nobody will love me, you will.. I thought you were just one of the few good girl friends that I used to have.. but I was wrong, I fell for you eventually.. and then, that's where I found my kryptonite that weakens me.  Now, you're going on with your happy lives and I still belongs to the promised land that had never meant to exist."

- a Story

"Here I am, wanted to tell you so much that I've never forgot about you, I've never abandoned you, I've always been by your side but who am I to you now..?  Only a friend that you used to know, a friend who is far behind the closet that you don't even need anymore.  I tried to bring back the bonds, I didn't give up, I tried so hard, I even broke apart and my heart shattered into pieces when I saw how you perceived my value to you... I've attempted to go out with you but why would it be so hard for me to ask you out but it's so easy for the others to get you out? My timing wasn't wrong.. I made it right, but this also allows me to see who I am really to you?.."

- a Reality

  "Normal people will ask me to stop believing and to never fall for such person who will never look at you.  However, deep down in them, I know you know that falling in love with a people and knowingly you can't be with them but you insist to be there for them just to ensure they can be happier, even you can't hold their hands, and even you can't be old with them isn't easy at all.  You'll feel suffocated deep down inside, Love is not like a plug where you can unplug it to stop it.  You just need to keep believing in it and don't give up, but when you've started doubting about it, that's where you started to shattered deep down inside"

- a Believe

 "I don't expect you to remember anything about me, I don't expect you to know that I'll be fine and I don't expect you to care about me.  Just be there to let me love you, but this belief is about to collapse..  but it's okay, it's okay.  Where ever you will be in the near future, I hoped you'll remember, that there was once a man who promised to always be there for you and he will hold it till you've forgot about him." 

- a Promise