Forgive but not forget..

How long can you be angry of someone? How long can I be angry of someone?  I guess it varied not only based on gender but also on a person's personality.  I guess the longest time I can be angry of someone is only about less than a week.  It's a good thing that my anger doesn't last, but, an angry heart can easily be extinguished but can an injured heart recovered that fast?

I couldn't, I find very own best reason to forgive a person, but I couldn't forget the way I was treated, I wouldn't mind how others will think of, but I've cast my trust on you but what you've done to me had made me really disappointed and it crushed me eventually.  Those memories just died, and I wouldn't revoke my past anymore.  You've started to forgotten our memories, as predicted, people will eventually forget me despite how much we've been through.  

It just hurt so much on me this time, in the previous pasts, it doesn't hurt much, perhaps this time, I've put it up close to my chest then it accidentally stabbed right into the heart... Now, no words nor act of yours will cure me anymore, I doesn't want to be saved anymore, I want to re-enter my "void" form.  You've never seen me once I've close the chapter.  All that's left in our chapters, would be "friends".

My new year resolution; lets forget everything we've been through.  

Found a song.

The song and the lyrics both described life well~~ Enjoy it!!

Neither part of me is breaking..

Till now..  I've been trying so many things to put it off me... To prevent it from getting closer but I felt the helplessness and despair.  

Tried so many things to forget it but I still couldn't do it... but still I have to..

People say there are many ways to do things that will make you happier and make you forget about the sad things but why am I having so much difficulties even when I tried so many fun things...?

Tried to pretend

Tried to get drunk

Tried to go out with friends and had fun

Tried to entertain myself with motion pictures

Tried to be addicted to games again

Tried to be consulted by other people

Tried to move on

Tried to push my physical limits to the maximum

Tried to let the time passes on.. (it's been years...)

Still to no avail... I can still feel the fractured beat in me.  Just what can I do...? 

I really couldn't bear myself from keep seeing hope... I doesn't want to have hope nor mercy.

Just let it go.. Let it go....

The Empty Shell

I'm not strong enough, 

I'm weak;

My voice couldn't reach out to those who shall hear.

My Heart couldn't touch those who needed it.

I'm that empty shell that always misses the target,

Reloaded and shot,

Nothing was hit, but I made my purpose, 

I've been triggered and end my job.

To them, I'm just a shell, nothing else...

Try to give a meaning with a bang but end up as the bitter bits of dust.

Reaching out my hand to lift up their misery.

And they walked away happily while I bear their burden.

Smiled and it will be okay.. "Everything will be okay",

Hoping one day that people will see through my blood and tears.

Only to realise that ignorance can be really strong to humanity.

This is not a film, the kind one doesn't end up good,

They were only missed when they were gone.

Only when they were gone, people will tears and wished,

they know they've been fools and hoped for a time travel,

but they never changes, you still never realise them..

Triggered and Regretted...

That's how the kind person dies and the blessed remained.

Your purpose was to look helplessly as they left you,

So, don't feel guilty if you had your back on them.

Don't feel bad because you've changed,

One Wrong removes All Right.

But, I will hold on.... Shall I be gone, your tears worth naught.

You won't brought me back, and I doesn't want to be back.

I've done what I've supposed to... But how long does it take for you to feel it?

Chase

Ever think of why would you write blog with so many words and non of it ever mean anything to any other people and might not even mean something to yourself.. To be exact, that's how my blog was written, I thought I could write off everything in my heart out to my blog just to voice up all my happiness and sorrow but I was wrong.. 

The thing that I could only write is just all those hidden message because there are things that people should know and things that people should never know.  Then why insisted on writing things that nobody will understand?  Here's the part where I could at least make things a little bit more interesting, I'm hoping the 'me' in the future will look back and find back the person of how I've become.

However, I understand myself too well, I ain't even going to look back to myself in the future, I move on my life and I won't stop for obstacles.  I may have cracked and injured, but I won't keep looking back, I've no time to look back at all.  Though who knows, when the times comes, I might lose my memory and intends to google my own name to find clue of my ownself.

I believe I'll find back myself just like how I find myself in the very same situation... not to mention the similarities going through my blogs, that if you've read my old posts, you might as well need not to read the new one...  You can't become yourself because you're who you are in the circle.

You with your loyalty brings you out who you are today... You doesn't want to change, you welcomed change but you wanted the core the remain the same, you hoped that people could accept you for who you are but you realised it is all too soon for people to understand.

At countless beats of hearts, you tried to give up being who you really are but it's hopeless... You can't run from what's been fated.  Till the day you broke the chain, that would be the moment you've reached enlightenment.  Though you've never trusted the end, you've seek to do your best, not for yourself but for those who you really cared of, those who need you..  You'll be there for them and you'll never give them up.

You believe in love. and you'll chase back the memories..

Please let me go..

It was suppose to be a happy day for today but I think I had enough of my reality.. It's so suffocating breathing this air, it's so difficult to keep taking the breath, it kept giving me hope and took it off right infront of me.  I was granted with hope that I could never get and those golden words about grabbing the opportunity always doesn't apply to me.

They always say, you never try, you never know.  Do you know how many times have I tried?  You're the one insisted me to try and yet you're the one who gave me a chance and blew it off away right infront of me when I try to grab the chance.  I fell down, I stood back up, I fell again, and I kept standing back because I kept believing in the hope that you've talked about..  I had faith in hope, I kept persuading.. but the closer I come, the further hope is.. Yet it doesn't want to disappear, it kept lingering right infront of me like a bait to potholes..

Am I really that difficult to be accepted by people..  Why is everyone pushing me away and yet wanted me to come close?  Either you're being sarcastic or you're thinking that it's fun to see me suffer.  I rather people kill me with a straight answer "No" than telling me "Maybe".  I rather die in a quick kill than suffered in the wait while obviously knowing that there won't be a "Yes".

Now, I'm just a freak.. I just did everything for the others and it's totally abnormal, crazy, and stupid because in the end, nobody really does need me..  I just "coincidentally" added into the situation.  At the end of the day, people will forget me for what I've done, because I'm not that asshole that did so much for a girl just to win her heart, I did it so much because I wanted them to believe in hope..  I didn't want to ask for anything because I know I'll be forgotten either way..  I'm the worst..

It won't kept me for long, I still have to look for the hope... I still waiting for the day..  I still naively believe in it... I had to shattered to grow stronger..  I had to hate myself even more to achieve myself..  

Blink your eye again...

2012 is coming to an end and even my Advanced Diploma session is packing itself up but how far have I prepared myself to the whole new stage of life?  Where everything will need to be started back from scratches and the cycle of life is just about to be repeated again and again.  That I just had the same feeling the same thing will happen to me like how it happened in the end of my secondary school life.

Might not be the same person but might be the same situation.  There again the dice of fate rotating for me and I could almost feel like seeing how the outcome will turn out to be like.  I'll be saying goodbyes and then people will moves on with their own lives while me still straying my life out there struggling against the maze that I've made up.

Talk what about cycle of life after death... Now itself I'm feeling my life is like an old audio tape that keeps repeating itself all over again.  When can I ever get out from this cycle and live up normally like how I've always dreamt of?  Talk what about reaching high when all I could do is just stretching my legs and feel a bit taller than I should be?  Talk what about achieving my dreams when it's all never meant to be real?  

Just be good, stay calm, and wait till the sunsets and rises again...  I've already done what I could do to change my fate but yet to no avail, it's not that I doesn't want to turn the table, my opportunities wasn't here yet or peoples are not giving me the chances yet.  Right now, I'm just a growing seed waiting to be fertilized and watered, waiting the rightful one to pick it up.

Somehow, peoples do choose how does a person looks like than how does a people treat them like.  Being very good to a person only makes them suspicious when you don't look like the way you're supposed to be expected.  But if you're good looking, no matter what you did, you're yourself.  Only mouth will talk about how "appearance will fall but attitude will continue to grow" but who really did applied on it?

P/S - There are indeed those who doesn't choose appearance,

but apparently their attitude are even worst than their look...

Reality sucks but that's the way the cookie crumbles!

And for those who've chosen the best attitudes and also good looking, good for you and you have my blessings while even if they don't look good, it doesn't matter.  As I say, Attitude will continue to grow, it depends on how they could grow. 50/50~!

By her side..again

As promised, I tried my best to stay on no matter what happen.  There's no reason why I would continue doing so, not because of deep affection nor because of repaying any kind debts.  Something just tell me that I'll need to be by her side even if she don't need me yet I still wanted to be there for her.  At least for someone being literally close to her, there's something I can do to make her feel better.  

I might not be able to do much (as usual) but it doesn't mean I should abandon her when she is in need of someone to help.  Whether it's a promise I made to my own self or my own self created piece-of-principle.  And in order for me to make her smile more, all I have to do, is continue on putting the 'mask' that hides my reasons behind my acts.  Because nobody care who I am until I've decided to put on the 'mask'  (sounds familiar yet relevant).

I realised that peoples are more likely to be attracted by individuals who have a heart of sea where you can't see how deep does it goes rather than those that can be easily seen and predicted.  I'm both predicted and unpredictable.  My magic works like a mirror where your action will decides my reflection on you.  Some people will thought that I'm predictable and they tried to step over me but end up tripping up high, some people thought that I'm unpredictable and I perform something obvious.

It's all part of the play but for her...  It's a play with full emotion that can't be exhaled.

Life as one

Apparently, recently, Facebookers been sharing the articles about the old couples whereby the old husband build a 6000-steps stairs for his deary wife to easily climb up the mountain.  This romantic event eventually triggered the inspiration of this Hong Kong drama entitled 天梯 (The Last Steep Ascent).

Not meant to relate myself to this story but then when I was very young (around 6-7 years old) back then, I always had this weird dream where I was this old man who live at the base of a mountain alone.  I had my own farm and I build my own house.  Everyday, I'll climb up to the mountain and carve something on it which I've no idea what was it but the dream was so realistic that I had that dream for more than 5 times.  I even mumbled something about "repaying the kind debt in the next life" stuff.  

I know I sounded pretty lunatic and... in a sane way, I'll just say kids' imagination can go pretty wild at times and I think I went a bit too far in imagining but what gives, it seems real.

Sometimes, I would think of that as my past life that I've get tired about living in the society and I prefer to live on alone without being related to any conspiracy spreading out from the communities.  History never really changes that much for humanity, only the method of approaching is different.  So, does it come to you that in this life, you want to do something else to make a change? 

Our capabilities can be very small and unworthy to be compared to any other person who's stronger than us, but as long as we tried to do it our very best, does it matter of our value to others?  At one point, you might be a rubbish for this particular individuals but at another point, you're priceless to the others.  

Perhaps, today, nobody sees who you really are nor appreciate what you really did, don't rush it, you still have time till someone sees you and if worst come to worst, you'll only be missed when you're dead, well, this happens a lot to many people.  At least, you'll still live on in some people memories which is better than dying as a nobody.

And yes, I'm here today, because I'm about to repay someone's kindness.  Probably not now but the coming future will bears the answers I'm seeking for.

Tears.

Have you ever watched a movie and feels touched deep down that you eventually cried it out like a baby.. Well, not as bad as a baby but you realised the tears won't stop flowing down.  

To be frank, I had never watched such movie that could made me had this feeling but there's this particular Anime that made me felt so (yes, an anime, a Japanese cartoon).

It made me think about it, that cartoon wasn't necessary to be something that only kids can watch, there are certain anime that were made to reach people with their own message.  They had their own storylines and as long as it related to the reality, it makes you think about it.  The anime that I was talking about is Clannad: After Story.  

It was an anime full of slice of life which tells the story of a couple that started out their relationship through their youthful highschool life till the moment they faced life as adults.  Each episode of this anime is filled with deep emotional message and I could swear I could feel tears in my eyes almost every episode nearing the end.  Perhaps it was because I'm still living in my youth that I could felt how sad it was to be placing myself in the shoes of the characters in the anime.

At least I get to know that I'm not really that cold-hearted after all after watching this...

For the least, I still agree it will never be easy to achieve a simple life..  Pure happiness is impossible unless you cherish your everyday life.

The Run of Life

Last Saturday, it was a crazy day for me whereby I've done few things at once and I thought I might fail but I still managed...   I've seen and heard peoples talking about getting hangover in a day and get working few hours after.  Guess I had my first time too in getting hangover and run a 10km marathon in the next few hours.  

It was stupid and there's nothing good to be proud of, I just felt how idiotic I am for not taking good care of my body and spamming the booze into my body.. I had that particular need for the booze but I shouldn't have submit it into my body to let them feel the pain.  After the few hours of sleeping, I woke up at the urge to continue my uncomfortable vomiting and thinking of whether I can make it to continue my run.  

And.... I suffered for the choice I made.  Well, that was pretty "great" but it was good enough to assure me to never did the same thing again.  I've endure the pain in my stomach and successful made the 10km run.  Although the whole Nike Run wasn't well-organised where a lot of problem happened, but I guess I still had a good run.

I see the importance of motivation in keeping us running in life.. Equivalently same in this marathon, I was motivated by the other runners to continue my jog even though I had difficulties as my stomach felt very unwell after the hangover but you see, a person fully-motivated is like being hypnotised.  They could ignore everything and adrenaline rush to the goals.  I had those motivation and it was wonderful...

As pervert as it sounds, yes, I was chasing pretty girls as soon as they pass by me and it was really motivating to keep me running.  Moments of giving up just straight away disperse away from my mind but at the same time, I needed songs to be played to keep me continuing as well too.

Achieved the end line at the mark of 1 hour 26 minutes (although me and my runner-buddies knew) we were much earlier than that for if there weren't problems occurred as soon as we started the run.  We were suppose to be 10 minutes earlier but I don't think racing the time is my main priority.  I've completed the whole race and I knew it well, I was pretty sick and I still made it.  It was the achievement only I'm concerned of and only I care.  

At least until the end, I didn't fall apart and shattered at the roadside and giving up the whole event.  I've stronger passion for my goals than what I think I had it in me.. At least I indirectly proved to those cover-judges that they were wrong.

Choice is still there...

Many times when we heard of people saying words like "I'm dying", "Nobody gives me chances", or "this world is unfair" those sort of stuff..  Well, from what I can see here, peoples always have a choice, everything fallen on them are made by themselves in the first place, the core decision of their act made them who they really are today.

In some occasions, these people's decision can be amended by reinforcements of both positive and negative.  Somehow, not always does it works because some peoples are so ignorant towards their lives that they tend to only do what they think is right and blame faults at others whenever problems started to surface.  Escaping from reality never helps and so does, whining, cursing, and complaining about life.  If you wanted to talk about it, you better be dead sure you wanted to do something about it or else, things will not change regardless of how much words you utter to yourselves.

As for me, I've taken action with the worst and best scenario in order to handle these problems, it mustn't need to go accordingly but the most important factors would be that, I didn't run away from my problems.  With my broken wills and dying faiths, I still push myself back up to face them.  Like the recent past, few imbeciles have been giving me numerous problems thanks to their so-called maturity thoughts and because of their sympathetic acts, I was needed to bear their consequences as in dipping the shits and cleaning the scenes.

It was against my will all these times but I've endured it, for the so-called El Mal Ajeno.  Although I've been forcing myself to swallow all these rotten meats, I've never complained even once because it was my choice and I've subjected myself to the responsibilities that I ought to bear.

However, peoples will still think that I've done not enough, and I've been once again being taken for granted.   All I seek of wasn't pleading you to see how much I've sacrifice for the better goods of others, I just hoped that deep down inside the most of you, that you could see, even someone as useless as me can be of some value to somebody else out there.

I have great disappointment every time when I think of it, it kept me depressed overtime because my intention was totally denied by the societies but still, it doesn't matter to me any other way. What's done is done, I had my disappointment, I've cleaned of the shits, I've given up on people like them, and I've started off anew and I'm happy being the way I am.

People don't see me as who I am is because they think they still have it on them that makes them "mature". 

Like how the old folks said it:

"Many people can see you as who you are but only a few could understand who you really are"

The hidden dagger...

Ever think about sometimes how cruel reality really is that people ought to change to become someone they once hated.  There's nothing in this world that would left unchanged..  People that were placed in certain situation will cast an indecisive decision that affect them in a whole.  It's usually left unseen and their stubborn behaviour that they have not "changed" is the core that allows them ultimately became that other person.  Somehow, think about it, it doesn't make any sense if you have a stronger base built in your heart.  

There can be no tide that can drifted your wills if you're strong enough.  As strong as the tide pushes you, you must always remember to hold your beliefs tight.  As tight as you want to hold it, it's wise to adapt and improvise situation instead of plain adapting it and let it take over who you really are.  People around me started changing already, the wheels of fate started to move again and thus, I have to move another 3 more steps.

As much as people wanted changes to happen, I seek for more.  Be it people will be blinded by their impression towards you, you shouldn't be blinded by who you really are.  

The flowing water will soon reveal the rocks beneath it.  

People only want to feel in charge and have the power to change things yet they can be too pathetic at times that they eventually followed everything without caring right or wrong anymore.  Like a King, although he had all the powers to command but he can just be a puppet stringed by their chamberlains.  People can be easy to control if you can be a source of their needs.

People big-mouthed questioned about changes but aren't we all hiding our own daggers because we have lost that of most important, Trust.  And when you've denied to accept these changes of trend, people will start questioning you and you will be their omega.

Don't worry, don't be afraid, stay calm, and do nothing.  Let the nature you take over you, life isn't all about being first, it's about surviving last.  Either you do whatever it takes or you stay passive for the opportunity.

In a glimpse...

Fate can be a real bitch sometimes, they took you off without you ever noticing and as hard as it felt, not many really wanted to let go and face reality.  It's just like last few days that I've witnessed someone being sent to the huge oven and perished from the world with all that's left is their ashes and memories.

How does it felt like to know someone you loved will never be there for you anymore?
How does it felt like the moment you went to bed realising you're the only one left lying on the bed?
How does it felt like when you realise you'll never hear their voice or feel their warmth anymore?

It's unbearable to be gone in this world out of sudden and it's even more unbearable to endure the lost and being alone at the very end.  It's very painful and unfair but life must go on even if you have to cry and suffer alone.  Sometimes, people will just left you for no reason and no notice.

I knew it just right~

Anger Management

Tonight, it's a bad night, there they started again having an argument, when there's nothing else to talk about, they gave up a quarrel and spike the situation where one will keep talking about the same thing and another one kept silence.  Well, I'm sure this sort of stuff happened all around the globe, argument, it occurs throughout the time and some come to worst even separated for good.  As usual, I'm not showing support on neither side, they can argue all the way round they want, giving out ridiculous reasoning of excuse and ridiculous reasoning to condemn.  There's no judge to determine wrong or right, they themselves determine it all, I remembered that there was once that me and the other were brought up to judge the situation.

I'll never protect nor condemn them, I just sit aside and let things happened.  The result, it can happen in every way it wants and I don't care about anything the argument is about.  For all I know, there's this sort of pain that been kept deep down inside me and it's only a matter of time before I developed mentality disorder.  All these years, I'll need  to endure everything around me and there's no place for me to let it out, so, I kept burying them, covering one part after another.  

Praying that my scumbag brain will end my grief by letting me forgetting these scenes...  I've already lost a place where I'm suppose to find serenity, I've lost a place where I'm suppose to find someone that I can trust and rely on.  It's not entirely anyone's fault anyhow, I've decided to punish myself in this sort of agony so that, I would give up the thoughts that someone will save me one day, give up hopes that good things will happen to me, and leave up all the rest to go on its own pace.  I'll just need to stand up on my feet for most of the time and keep moving forward. 

Though I still give hope to people, I still think that people deserve to earn things that I couldn't have. 

 I will never surrender!

In the middle of the night...

I suddenly think about my ex-relationship, I can never forget it that we do have sweet beginnings in this love or me being the water-balloon. Regardless of whatever condition we've started this relationship, I've felt that I've really pour my heart into it even though it was just a really really short period of love but yet, the feelings that ran into me can be so deep.  Yes, indeed people out there will always laugh at me stating that it was just puppy love and nothing much about it.

That's what you think, but you ever consider what I think, well, it doesn't matter to you, because, sometimes, you need to be me to feel me. Even if you've been through worst situation, but, that short period, I've never been more in love than any time I've ever been.  Somehow, it's even sickening when you knew it from the very first point that, "we weren't meant to be".  We were from a totally different world and all I cared of, is that she need me that time, she need someone, it could have been anyone but I wanted to be there for her.

I knew it I wouldn't be able to control the gravity when everything break loose, I knew I will have to let go but yet, I always give myself hope, hoping that I could be better person for her.  And it comes to this, the day where I have to let her go.  I'm weak...

Despite those sweet moments we once have, it doesn't last.  I've chose to let go because I knew it, she can have better life without me inside the frame... People will have better life without me.  Though, as long as I have the opportunity to step into their life, I'll make sure I give my best to them.  At least I want to let them know indirectly, someone is willing to do something for them no matter who they are or what value they had. Everyone deserves chances, maybe not me but I'll give it.

At least when I look at most of them now, they are having a happy life right now.  They have forgotten who I am but I'll never ever forget those memories, it was as precious to me as it had once completed me, whether while falling in love or while I'm in love.  And now, I guess I'll just move on to a new chapter.

You can't bring back those past by reminiscing them, but those were the memories that value the most and made you who you are today.  The ending might not be a happy one but the progress of that very love is indeed, priceless.  I miss those memories of us getting along but I'll never find someone like you to replace those memories,  because memories like that are irreplaceable.  

I am Someone-Else

Last few days, my car, Eli(zabeth) broke down again and it really hurts me to the depth and I curse myself for having such a dreadful luck.  It was my fourth streak in this year to bring Eli to the mechanics and each time I have different problems and this fourth streak was suppose to be the worst of all time.

What's hurting me, was because it built up my tension level and I sort of threw it over to my father which I doesn't want it but I really lose it all... I had enough of trusting the wrong person, and this time, I trusted the wrong mechanics.  I have a serious problem with people who mess up my trust towards them, of course I won't rush to them and punch their face hard even though I've killed them thousands of times in my mind.  I don't feel like negotiating with people and had them stepping over me (doing sales stuff and shit for example), I don't like to beg for people to help me especially when they would use this favor to put their leg over my head.

I can be calm and persevering most of the times but I have serious problem in controlling my temper over people who betrayed me.  Threatening me will eventually makes thing worst for them.  But I hate it when I lose my temper over my father instead of the person who's suppose to be responsible for Eli's health.  I was to be blamed for this anger mismanagement.  I really hate it when I have to release and burst out, because I became Not-Me.

After the burst out, I simply just chain back the emotion and shut down myself because I still have one more paper to face (imagine the stress level when I need to worry three important things at once), I felt sorry for my dad, I felt angry about my stupidity in trusting the wrong people, and I kind of worry my mood will affect my performance for the exam.

Therefore, shutting down every emotion is my best bet to allow myself fully focus for the exam.

Sigh, although I always thought that it was unfair to throw tantrum over other people who is not involved in your misery, I did it to my family... it's really fuck up..  I hope that this sort of horse-shit will never happen again... Seriously, it's horrible.

Feel so close..

Few weeks ago, I was resting at my uncle's home at Malacca and in a sudden blink, my heart had this very painful experience that my eyesight go white and I could felt like I had collapsed there for a moment until I used my hand to beat my chest.

I felt alive again as soon as I did it..  Though I'm not sure what happened but during that very seconds, I had flashbacks of my life and most of them were regrets that I couldn't accomplish.  Well, it's not like I'm dying or shits, but that sudden shocked made me start to think about it.  I'm not afraid at all... I don't mind about this dog life of mine.  Because I'll live my life to the fullest and I will just die like a dog.  Somehow, I really appreciate my life a lot that I always live my life as if I'm 'going' tomorrow.  That's why, I've never stop thinking about things in life, probably why people kept saying that I think too much.  

I doesn't want to close my eyes full of regrets about things whereby I should have done or shouldn't have done.  Once a decision is made, be very sure that I will not regret regardless about the outcome and this is how I decide to live up myself to the fullest.  At different point of view, people will usually see me as a pessimist because you know, positive people always think of living for another day but I think I'm an optimist.   'Cause I never bring my problems into my sleep, and that is what I think is positive enough.  How many of you could have a good night sleep without thinking about the solution of the problem?

I might not wake up tomorrow, but I'll be damn sure I've done everything to stay alive.  I may be emotionally unstable but I have strong will to live.  What sort of strong will? I don't know and I had no idea but I just know, my future will be surprising.  I'll be thrilled and keep waiting for that day to come.  You need to be smart in studying and living in a community, but you need some stupidity beliefs to prevent yourself from being too realistic.  You need dreams to live on. 

Well, hell yeah I had a dream!  

To live up a normal life as in get a career, get married, get children, and experience both sadness and happiness at different times.

It's plain simple but sometimes, it's these simple stuff that is the hardest to be reached.

Better be ready..

How far will you go to face the problems in your life?
If the seeds is going to grow into a cancer, how far will you go to remove it from you?
If removing it will cause changes in your life, how desperate will you be to cleanse it?

I had this weird growth in my throat.. It gave me uncomfortable feeling and it makes my throat sores.. There's no exact cure for this growth (I've been to the clinic).  And so, in order to get rid of this disturbance, I have to stick my finger inside the throat and dig this thing out.  

Of course, everyone know how it feels like to poke your on finger into your throat.. Imagine it that you'll have to dig out that thing out while enduring the urge to throw up.  It might not be the worst pain, it's just annoying having the needs to dig up your throat almost every week in a month.  The thing just keeps coming back and I'll just have to keep removing it.

Yes, this is how far I would go to clear off my obstacles.  I won't stop until I make sure it is not there anymore.  I will be in pain and suffer during the process, but I can take it, I can take punches. 

I hate to run away from my problems, I choose to face them because there are those problems that you shouldn't leave behind and let it have the opportunity to get over your head.  Let there be scars when you solve the problems but never let it rupture you any deeper than what it have already does.  Let it be that you need to be another person, let it be you'll have to lie to yourself, and let it be if there will be pain. 

Extinguish it and you're giving yourself a chance for salvation or you will keep running till you reach the edge.

How does it feels like?

Ever being embraced by someone who cared you a lot but you have never realized that you've forgotten the warm moment that were given to you? 

Can you recall any of those memories? It have existed way long before you started to analyze the rhythms around you, before you longed for more than what were given to you.  The moment you had enough and wanted to look in for something else.  Then, you decided to look further away from your parents; though with your heart intact, the bond have loosen up.

Ever wonder how some little babies can laugh out loud with the simplest things that occurred to them.  Some people says it's because they don't need to think about problems but I say it's an admirable bliss.  There are times in my dream, I saw myself getting touched while having my own children held over my hand and I turned to my parents "I've got you a grandchild!" and my child will be the most beautiful sight that I've ever seen.

And when the dreams end, I woke up and had a flashed imagination over my parents reaction when they first saw me opened my eyes to greet the world... How happy have I made them?  How much sacrifices and pain have they bear to carry me to live on?  How long do they need to keep telling me that everything is okay and leaving the scar inside?  

When I first heard about the sadness and grief my parents had when one of my siblings couldn't make it out to the world.  I could only imagine the pain that they had, and it shatters me but at some point, it makes me feels glad and happy to be able to breath on till this day. 

This is where I hold the pledge for my supposed-to-be sibling, that I'll live on not just for my own sake but also live as him/her.  I'll live the live that he/she couldn't have. 

To cherish the love that existed within people around me.

and, have you tell them that you loved them today?

Keep it Going, huh?

Days ago, I had a friend who asked me, "What motivates you?" (as in asking me why did I work up) but it reflected on me otherwise, as in I heard of her asking me what motivates me to keep moving on.  Seriously, right now, I don't think there's any thing that really motivates me anymore as seemingly I've let go of what I cared and important to me.  And I thought I'm ready to start anew right after I've removed the ex-feelings but I knew I was wrong, it's always not easy to let off the things you tried so hard to lift up and let go right away.

A sort of aftermath came along when you let it off, although she might not know anything about it; these emotional damages just come overtime on me and became more and more self-inflicted.  My friends ought to tell me now that "You're just thinking too much" but you've no acknowledgment over me in removing thoughts that doesn't belong to my mind.  I tend to push away things that I doesn't want to look at anymore.

However, my precious mind just wouldn't let me off, perhaps my pain should be more severe than this?  Those random relevant thoughts suddenly came up my mind in the and it goes exhausted in the middle of the night.  It hurts so much but I've been through this, I can make it up...

For what?

I don't have a reason to be alive yet I don't have a reason not to stay alive.  I doesn't want to live my life under burdens pressured by people can't letting me off.  You will have to let me go, you know you have to.  Be it if I'm alive nor am I dead.  You can't make promises with me because I can see through things that don't last.  You might think it's a comfy words to make me feel better but attention is not what I wanted from you.  I wanted to see if you have the wills to live up against the words you convey towards me.  People might as well be thinking "Hey this is reality, nobody cares for another out-of-the-blue promises".  What do I seems like someone longing for attention and not you longing for me to expect kindness from you?

You just didn't realize the importance of keeping up with your promises, some people really think through it when you've said it out to us. Especially me, I cared a lot about what people say to me.  Not that I want to become what people expected of me, but if it's within my strength, I want to give out to people.

Don't you think some people deserved to have their faiths rewarded?

A Trap with Love..

I always wondered what will I be doing when I realize I'm in love..

Will I fight for her? As in I was always the one who told my friends to fight for what they believe in, fight for the one they loved; 

"If you're chasing a single women, you'll have many competitions with those who's going after her; but if she's coupled with another person, you'll have only ONE competitor."

Isn't it awkward when you're the one giving advice and ending up falling for the same symptoms of love?  Over 5 person I've fallen for and 4 of them were eventually belonged to someone else. Guess I must have one hell of a taste over love.  Even though I'm not capable of doing anything nor am I having the intention to let her feel my feelings, she's way better off without me.. Though the most important part would also be that she enjoyed falling in love with the man of her life, it doesn't matter who would it be.  And I'll just do my usual routine, being there for her whenever she'll need me.  Guess the level of stupidity for love is divided by zero for this one but what gives...  I need that love feeling to keep me alive, because it was this feeling of love that makes me feel alive.

-Falling for it again.

P.S - Things just kept repeating in a cycle for me, but I believe this cycle will come to an end.. It MUST!

If it doesn't kills you, it can help you..

A person tends to know that they are lucky is by throughout the moment they were struck by numerous misfortune and still breath at the end of the day.

The tides has changed but the feelings of the shattered and wounded heart remained.  I doesn't want to turn back the time to know what I could change, I want to forward the time to know what will happen next and I can't wait for it to happen, regardless of whether it's suppose to be good or bad.  Keeping it too long for me in my heart would not be good to my heart, not even a bit.

Consider it the sort of optimism that I've always had in me, I don't regret with the choices I made in my life, and I don't even want to think about how much I should have not done something that turns out bad.  It's mistake that lets me learn from my wrong and it also allows me to improvise.  If I were to live a life without fall, I would be the happiest idiot rather than the saddest smarty.

"Why do we fall down; so that we can learn how to climb back up"

 I may be a positive person, but I rather attract more negative things to me (if you take it as science, you'll know that electrons are attracted to proton)  and so, I've started to consider myself as a strong proton and the misfortunes that happened on me are those electrons held up by a special nuclear force.  Unfortunate  events do happen to me quite often and although it might not be a fatal one but it's enough to mentally damage my heart.

I have the strength to pull it up against me but it is only about a matters of time before I entirely tripped and never woke up from the misery.  Take it on me that I've been thinking too much, but if I could be in a better place, I'll not be hurting my mind by doing this to myself.  I really wish that I could make things turn out better. 

"I don't believe in forever, especially those that will threaten the way I stand upon my life"

Where is the promised happiness?

"Tired me is as usual, aimlessly strolling around the lake, under a tree.  Crying, weak, tears flow like river, nobody is around."

- a Dream.

 

"Do you still remember the promised that you made on me, that you'll be there for me when no others will be?  When I'll be alone, you'll accompany me, when nobody will love me, you will.. I thought you were just one of the few good girl friends that I used to have.. but I was wrong, I fell for you eventually.. and then, that's where I found my kryptonite that weakens me.  Now, you're going on with your happy lives and I still belongs to the promised land that had never meant to exist."

- a Story

"Here I am, wanted to tell you so much that I've never forgot about you, I've never abandoned you, I've always been by your side but who am I to you now..?  Only a friend that you used to know, a friend who is far behind the closet that you don't even need anymore.  I tried to bring back the bonds, I didn't give up, I tried so hard, I even broke apart and my heart shattered into pieces when I saw how you perceived my value to you... I've attempted to go out with you but why would it be so hard for me to ask you out but it's so easy for the others to get you out? My timing wasn't wrong.. I made it right, but this also allows me to see who I am really to you?.."

- a Reality

  "Normal people will ask me to stop believing and to never fall for such person who will never look at you.  However, deep down in them, I know you know that falling in love with a people and knowingly you can't be with them but you insist to be there for them just to ensure they can be happier, even you can't hold their hands, and even you can't be old with them isn't easy at all.  You'll feel suffocated deep down inside, Love is not like a plug where you can unplug it to stop it.  You just need to keep believing in it and don't give up, but when you've started doubting about it, that's where you started to shattered deep down inside"

- a Believe

 "I don't expect you to remember anything about me, I don't expect you to know that I'll be fine and I don't expect you to care about me.  Just be there to let me love you, but this belief is about to collapse..  but it's okay, it's okay.  Where ever you will be in the near future, I hoped you'll remember, that there was once a man who promised to always be there for you and he will hold it till you've forgot about him." 

- a Promise

Every step that I will take...

Actually, though I might have talk about love stuff all the time, I'm not exactly sure how far and how much I know about myself towards love stuff. It's like, I know I can jump boat anytime I want and get a hook on another person anytime I want. Some may say that it's because I'm afraid to fail again and that's why I don't dare to fall in love anymore but I really want to assure those who think that I'm the kind that can never forget about ex-lovers or just afraid for new feelings, you're wrong. I'm always up to a new and real relationship, and once I put my feelings on it, I pour my heart in it as well and when I realise the seed is not going to grow, I stop 'watering' the plant and I started to look for new seed.

Though there will be still a part of me left within them as an assurance that I'll be there for them, you see, I really can't stop myself from pampering ladies or things I love. That's why people ought to think when I started to become strict over my stuff, they thought I'm joking. Somehow, like a dog, my loyalty has it own limits, if people tend to ignore and doesn't show a bit of concern about me, my loyalty ends there at once. No point throwing yourself to people who wouldn't want to take a look at you.

I'll always believe that someday, my day will come and my life will be filled with another piece of puzzle. Though it's boring and tiring to keep waiting like that, it doesn't matter. I've already waited for years, and for sure I can wait for it any longer than I expected myself can bear.

I will start to make changes step by step just like how I did before, I just need to reclaim back my perseverance and keep FIGHTING!

How Real is Real...

Times when someone hope that their dreams should be reality whereas reality is better off to be dreams, then you should have realised that you're considering this because you have nothing left in this Reality, but is it true? We, the fortunate ones should be considering every day is a gift and because we have something that we think it's n

ecessary for us to have and make it as a "normal" life, it doesn't mean it's not important anymore.

If you ought to always compare to other's life of how complete they are, you're not being fair because you're not comparing yourself who is less fortunate than you. You always look forward for good things to happen to you and that's what make you vulnerable for your weaknesses to be penetrated and injure you from time to time.

It's time to stand up, stop lying on the ground for too long, you need to peak on the hole above you and keep looking, you can't see it, doesn't me

an it's no there.

Wherever I go, rumours follow...

One of the cons of me walking out of my old life. Must I like really go through all this in my single status? Can't I be like, the lone wolf who hunts alone at the darkest hour or some sort of stuff like that?? Although, I will do whatever it takes to be in relationship, but I prefer a mutual feelings than to be startled by rumours. I'm not that pity and pathetic am I?

Alright, I take it that people wouldn't believe how would my girlfriend would be like as my stupid attitude makes me unbelievably stupid.. It's hard for people to understand that, I'm not the kind of guy girls will think of and just the sight of me will make them think "Impossible!!".

I ain't being negative about this sort of judgement, look, I understand how ridiculous and annoying I am. I'm just closing my trace. I don't need to let people know who I cherished,loved, and cared. All I want to do is just to continue letting her be happy. I'm closing any trace that will come close to her, I could do as far as I could as this is me being selfish.

Knowingly people will convince me to go for her, I know what I'm capable of doing and I can't be the one to make her feel complete. I don't feel tired at all continuing like this, as this won't be forever, soon, I'll have my own place to start my own story.

This is just to clarify stuff, I'm cool and awesome.

and I don't feel emotional at all.
Because there are things,

we men should do for

the one we love.